Is it Well?

His message was titled "still standing".  Huh, "still standing"; I was curious.

He spoke with a thick German accent and yet I had no trouble understanding him.  He was funny!  I mean, the kind of funny you normally don't see from someone who is preaching on a Sunday morning. 

He then got into why he was "still standing".... he and his wife had lost one of their sons (I am unsure of how long ago; possibly a couple of years) in what he referred to as a tragic accident.  His son was only weeks from graduating from high school and going on to college to become a physical therapists.  His son, Micah, was not killed immediately and in fact lived for 36 hours following the accident.  He spoke of how, if ever God was going to save someone, he felt strongly Micah was the guy - After all, hundreds of people were praying for a miracle for Micah (and possibly thousands because of FB).  He was sure that Micah would be an amazing example of the power of God....But that was not to be.

His story was moving as he spoke of anger, sadness, mourning.  He was relatable and brought many to tears as he told his (and his family's) story of loss.

I was doing a really good job of holding back my tears.  I could identify with so many things that he spoke of.  He would speak of his emotions as he dealt with and continues to deal with the loss, and inside I was like, I get you!

It was one statement in particular that I just latched onto and felt extremely connected with...He said that after some time had passed following his sons death, he was in a place in life that was like (in his words) being on a "ice plate" floating in the water.  He said that Micah's death made him question so many things including at times question his faith.  And, often, he felt unsure of what to do next or where to go or how they as a family should proceed.  The hurt was great.  And what he realized was that he couldn't go back, that is, he couldn't deny his faith, because he had come to far to do that.  He knew he had faith and he knew that he believed that God loved him and that he was in control....and yet, he couldn't go forward.  His faith was broken enough and he had lost enough trust in God's control that he couldn't go forward.  So here he was floating on this "ice plate" Too much faith to deny God and not enough faith to move forward on his own. (This is not the end of his story, but this is where I will stop)

His testimony was amazing - He spoke to me

We had music following his message - many were teary, but I was still holding it together.....and then, there it was...I knew the chords as soon as I heard them -- I was trying so hard to hold it together....but it happened - THE SONG!

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Oh, the tears ... My little Cora looked up at me and said "mommy, why are you crying?"  I couldn't answer her (for fear of doing that ugly cry).....She then wrapped her arms around me and comforted me like only a 6 year old can do.

You see, this was the song -- The song my dad had us end my Mom's memorial service with (almost 10 years ago) and the song we (my brother and I) chose to end my Dad's memorial service with (4 years ago).

I would sing (or at least try to) and think to myself "is it well with my soul?"

There were so many times during my mom's battle with cancer (she was only 54) that I (we) questioned (silently; because when someone is fighting cancer, those around them tend to be constant cheerleaders) why she was not being healed - and then there were times when I was at total peace---on an "ice plate"

Then, there was the death of my dad (he was 61).  His life had become very complicated  (due to the great grief of losing my mom) and thus his death left me (us)  with many, many loose ends (including a soon to be, mentally ill ex-spouse- enough said).  I circled through the anger, grief, peace cycle many times. -- on an "ice plate".

I have learned (or come to realize) that questioning who we are, where our faith lies, is normal.  And, just because we are questioning, doesn't mean we have lost our faith all together. 

I would imagine that tragedy turns many from what they know - I feel grateful that through my trials, my questioning has only reassured me that one of the constant things I have is my faith.

So, "is it well, with my soul?" .... most days it is.